Realisation of My Own Weakness: Uncertainty

Many times we feel lost in life, yesterday everything went well, life is good. But, this morning you woke up feeling useless, purposeless and lost.

This “down” feeling happens to me every 2–3 months.Today, I finally found out the major reason why this feeling happens to me.

If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.
-Sun Tzu-


Story 1 — I felt hopeless, stranded in the middle of the sea.

I went for a diving trip on Tioman Island, Malaysia inJune 2018. It was a great trip, the crews were amazing and all the people that join the trip was friendly and awesome.

There was this dive on a stormy day near a rocky island.The surface current was strong and so did the underwater current. The wave was choppy and the rain and the wind added to the dramatic scene.

The moment I entered the water, all I see was murky water. The visibilities was around 1 meter, I could see my fingertip with arm stretched. AND I could not find my buddy. I turned round and round, 5 seconds passed, 10 seconds passed, 15 seconds passed. I finally saw my buddy drifted away by the current. Fortunately, one of the dive instructors was with her.

At this moment, I felt a little hopeless and scared. I look around and see nothing. The only thing I see was a faint light behind the low-visibility-water. I swam towards it and found the group. I felt relieved not knowing there was worse to come.

After 30-minutes dive, the dive master gave a signal to the surface. out of 14 people, only 4 of us appeared on the surface of the water. We waited for 15-minutes and no one surfaced. Water splashing, rain pouring, drifted to the rocky island, out of oxygen, and we didn’t see any boat. I felt worried, scared, lost and it didn’t help when you see one of yourfriends vomited 5-times. 30-minutes passed and we see no sign of people and no sign of the boat.

At that moment, I reflect on my life. I am actually quite glad that at the moment I did not feel any regret in my life. I felt Ihave lived my life to the fullest. But I also realize that uncertainty and waiting are the 2 things that ruin my rhythm and emotion.

Story 2 — My truck stranded in the middle of a jungle in the middle of minus 2-degree winter.

I was in New Zealand when this happens. It was aroundJuly-August, the coldest period in New Zealand. We were making our way fromQueenstown to Franz Josef Glacier/Fox Glacier. As the night fell, we decided topull over into a holiday park, it was pitch dark. The only light we have was our headlight. All we can see were trees and grass.

We took a wrong turn and our 4-man campervan stuck in the muddy grass patch. We shifted our gear to “R-reverse” nothing happens. All we could hear was spinning wheels. We shifted our gear to “L-low gear”, the same happens. After a few tries, we decided to drive further into the mud.Luckily, with the speed momentum, we were able to pull the van out from the mud.

Now we still have the first problem unsolved, where to park and where to get powerpoint. So, I decided to go down from the van, clothed with 700-down Kathmandu jacket. I dug through my luggage, take out my videography lighting kit. Now we found a walking street light.

We finally found the office and kitchen after 30-minutes touring around. We memorized the map, cooked some instant noodle and warmed ourselves before continuing. Once our belly was filled, we continue our recce. Finally, after 15 minutes we found our spot.

Those experience threw me off from my normal calm-character. I am those people that have fixed daily schedule, plan everything ahead and stick to them.

My Weakness: Uncertainty

I had a reflection to understand why I so wavered and why fear entered my heart on those 2 encounters. Both stories, I faced uncertainty. Low visibilities. I didn’t know what was coming. I was scared.

My Solution

I rarely write but this is special. Because by sharing my weakness I might find those that have the same fear as me. I might be able to find those that have conquer this weakness before. My current solution is to continue to believe in my God. He is the light, the lamp upon my feet.

I hope on day, soon, I will be able to conquer this weakness.

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